Current mood:	awake
Current music:	"Enthralled In Essence" - Atheist

3rd year Pharmacology. 5 hour prac every fortnight. Worth two subjects in terms of workload (25 points). To be honest, I'm actually amazed I didn't completely fuck up the RATHER DIFFICULT exam, let alone get into a quota-restricted subject where everyone is basically trying to get into post-grad med. And, in case the first mentioning didn't generate enough impact - 5 hour pracs.

Nearly finished booking everything for South-East Asia. Me and Simon succumbed and decided to book a shitload of tours, since it saves us lots of tears and money and crying and WHAT THE FUCK MY BAGS ARE GONE. But my bank account is pretty much cleared out and Sisi is but a poor penniless girl. So, y'know, it's kinda pointless going on holiday when you have no spending money. Sisi stresses.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. And not in the emo, suicidal I-hate-my-life kind of way... more like, just thinking about it. It never really occurred to me that once I die, that's it. Everytime I imagine myself dying, I imagine the aftermath. The funeral, the hospitals, the grieving relatives and friends. But then I realised... there is no aftermath. Or at least none that we know of. That's it. You die, and that's it.

And then I started thinking about all the different views of death. Afterlives and reincarnation. And it's a very lonely thing, how people construct these things, to comfort each other and also themselves. That death isn't the end. It's only a door to another reality. But there is nothing in my logical mind that thinks that any of those constructs hold any truths. Maybe after existence, that's it. There is nothing, no conscience, just nothing. And I lie to myself and think, maybe I'll live another life and I'll be a new being. Reincarnation and all that.

I've always thought of death in such a shallow manner. Like it's unimportant and it'll never happen to me, and when it does I'll deal with it then. I don't really know what triggered this thought process. Maybe it was me watching Oldboy (brilliant movie, by the way). Either way, I'm terrified. Maybe that's why people bury themselves in shallow existences. Maybe I've got it wrong the whole time. Or maybe I'm in the right. Maybe it's a good thing that I know about it now, that I'm aware.

Either way, I'm terrified.